


Not What You Expected

by Natasja



Series: Very Different Cliches [1]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Cliche, F/M, Gen, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, Tropes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-14
Updated: 2014-12-28
Packaged: 2017-12-29 09:27:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1003756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Natasja/pseuds/Natasja
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>People from Earth fall into the Shire and join the Quest? Inter-race romance and no-one bats an eye? Physically impossible feats?<br/>Not this time.<br/>Inspired partly by 'A SCA Girl in Middle Earth', partly by ideas that won't let you sleep at 2 am, and partly by one too many implausible Company Dwarf/OC fanfiction stories. Two girls fall into the Quest for the Lonely Mountain... and discover that they REALLY should have thought this through better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Joining The Quest

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [A SCA Girl In Middle-Earth](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/29068) by Vaneria Potter. 



NOT WHAT YOU EXPECTED  
  
Alice and Erin were ordinary girls from an ordinary life on Earth. The fact that both were currently in raptures over the latest Peter Jackson movie 'The Hobbit' did nothing to change that, nor did the fact that they were currently insisting on being called Rayvyn and Atara, in an effort to sound more like they were from Middle Earth.  
  
None of that mattered though, since they were finally being allowed to go to New Zealand, where they intended to spend the entire four days exploring anything and everything to do with the movie. You could actually go to the setting of the Shire, and spend the entire day there.  
  
OK, so they were only allowed to go because it was the school holidays and Rayvyn's older sister had permission to go to some re-enactment thing being held not far away, where she was better known as Mairi, dragging along an acquaintance, who had yet to choose a name and was known as Suzi, who had very slowly become a reluctant friend of Mairi's, but that was beside the point.  
  
At the moment, Atara and Rayvyn were giggling over how cool it would be if they could magically be thrown into Middle Earth and take part in the Quest for the Lonely Mountain. Especially if they could get Thorin Oakenshield and Kili to fall for them along the way  
  
Sitting near the hotel window (She and Suzi would go to the faire in the morning) and valiantly trying to ignore them, Mairi huffed in exasperation, engrossed in the Unfinished Tales and explaining something to Suzi.  
  
Suzi looked awkward as soon as she heard the younger girls mention the words 'cool', 'thrown into' and 'Quest', and downright uncomfortable at the idea of either Dwarf instantly falling in love with them. Rayvyn stuck out her tongue at her sister. "Admit it; you'd love to fall into the Hobbit. Hot Dwarves, adventures, treasure… what's not to love?"  
  
Suzi actually patted Mairi on the shoulder. Mairi closed her eyes. "You wouldn't last five minutes, unless you had more lives than a cat."  
  
Mairi could spout more random facts about Tolkien than anyone Rayvyn knew, so maybe they should have multiple lives if they hypothetically fell into Middle Earth. Adept at reading her friend's facial expressions, Atara smiled and lowered her voice. "We should bring Mairi along as a guide that only we can see or hear when we choose. She can tell us the unimportant details and we'll look wise and powerful!"  
  
Rayvyn beamed. "I suppose I should be a dwarf, since that much height difference could make things difficult."  
  
Atara waved a hand. "I'm sure I can get Thorin to fall in love with me, even if I am an elf. Everyone thinks elves are hot, and I wouldn't be from that nasty forest, so he wouldn't have that grudge."  
  
Mairi threw a package of complimentary hotel peanuts at them. "Shut up and go to sleep. You can dream about going to Middle Earth all you like, as long as I don't have to listen to you."  
  


* * *

When Rayvyn woke up, she was not on a soft hotel mattress, but on the hard ground, and the late afternoon sun was shining in her eyes.  
  
Jumping to her feet (the ground seemed a lot closer than it should have been when she was standing up); Rayvyn accidentally stepped through Mairi as she darted over to where Atara lay. Atara's shriek of glee made Suzi appear out of nowhere, instantly finding herself on the receiving end of Mairi's most baleful glare.  
  
Suzi seemed to shrink under the gaze. "If you did this on purpose, there is going to be trouble."

* * *

After a whispered conversation while Rayvyn and Atara were exclaiming at each other in delight before noticing a slight clothing dilemma, Mairi had spent the last half an hour shouting at them, showing absolutely no sympathy for their plight of their clothes now hanging off them, several sizes too large.  
  
Suzi (no-one was quiet sure how she got there, and Suzi had muttered something about 'resonating parallels' and the Valar probably thinking it served her right) was looking conflicted, but seemed to be falling on Mairi's side.  
  
Rayvyn finally managed to out-shout her sister. "Can we focus on the fact that my mini-dress looks like something you'd wear, but baggier? How am I supposed to impress Thorin and Kili looking like this?"  
  
Mairi gave Suzi a telling look that conveyed the impression of being the town gossip, before she sighed and took off her over-dress that Rayvyn had seen her pack for Canterbury Faire, leaving her in a shift and kirtle. She handed it to Atara, taking the other girl's mini-skirt and folding it into a makeshift belt, a vindictive smirk twitching at her lips. "Look into a reflective surface, and then tell me that the clothes are your biggest problem."  
  
Suddenly wary, Rayvyn walked over to a small puddle (it had rained the previous night), looked down… and let out a shriek to frighten a Nazgul.  
  
Atara, who had been more concerned with keeping her clothes up and the revelation that, rather than being a cool name, 'Atara' was High Elven for 'Mother', had not paid much attention to Rayvyn's appearance, and hurried over. What happened?"  
  
The sobbing dwarf-maiden, who had missed a key factor of her new race, looked up. "My BEARD, is what! I'm about half my former height and I have a bloody BEARD! And not a small one, either!"  
  
Terry Pratchett had been the one to actually state that a female dwarf was most likely to be complimented on the silkiness of her beard, but that didn't change the fact that Tolkien dwarves, no matter their sex, had beards. Suzi-Maria sounded sympathetic. "It would be culturally inappropriate to shave it off, I'm afraid."  
  
Rayvyn's voice was a despairing wail. "Kili doesn't have a beard or a long moustache!"  
  
Mairi rolled her eyes. "Kili is an archer; facial hair like the other dwarves would be asking for a tangled bowstring, a missed shot, and lots of pain!"  
  
Rayvyn sniffled. "But I don't want a beard! I look hideous!"  
  
In contrast to Suzi, Mairi's voice held all the sympathy of a granite boulder. "The dwarves will probably find it the most attractive thing about you."  
  
It took a lot to get Mairi worked up into fury, so Rayvyn tended to forget how nastily waspish her sister could become when her patience ran out. Perhaps bringing her along as a 'Spirit Guide – just in case' hadn't been such a good idea.  
  


* * *

Mairi's silent but tangible air of icy disapproval kept them quiet until they reached Hobbiton, but the sight of Bag End had both visible girls running to ring the bell, especially when they heard the sounds of a party inside.  
  
There was the sound of someone muttering darkly, a sound they had become very familiar with after keeping most of the plane awake with their squeals whenever the dwarves showed up during the in-flight showing, and large feet stomping toward the door. "I thought you said that Thorin was the last! We're not at home to anyone, and especially not to any more dwarves! I've already got thirteen of you ruining my Hole, and I won't have another!"  
  
The door was yanked open, revealing a Hobbit who looked ready to spit nails, and did not look the least bit impressed. He barely even glanced at them before he glared back at the dwarves. "I thought there weren't supposed to be any more of you!"  
  
A large (comparatively speaking) dwarf with a tattooed head frowned. "There were not. Whoever they are, they're not with us."  
  
His words caused Thorin to glance over, his face settling into a black scowl as he saw Atara. "We do not have dealings with elves."  
  
He stomped over, but instead of falling head over heels in love, as Rayvyn had planned, he shut the door in their face.  
  
Shimmering into view again, Mairi looked far more cheerful than she did an hour ago. Suzi, at least, was making a token effort at sympathy. "Let's move on, shall we?"  
  


* * *

Atara had been very lucky that she had followed Gandalf in order to make an equally dramatic entrance, as the three Trolls William, Bert and Tom would have viewed her as a much larger mouthful than the dwarves, who were more armor than flesh.  
  
As it was, Rayvyn had not counted on what seemed such an amusing scene in the movie being quite so terrifying, and her mouth seemed frozen cold with fear. Even Mairi seemed worried, having whispered something about not knowing how their presence would affect the chain of events, but since Rayvyn and Atara had made her intangible, there was nothing she could do.  
  
It was a good thing that Bilbo managed to keep his head with no help from Rayvyn, and that Gandalf showed up in time, despite having been forced to put up with Atara following him.  
  


* * *

Rayvyn and Atara had tried to follow Thorin so that they could point out the Moon-Runes, but Thorin had set Dwalin and Gloin to keep Rayvyn out of trouble. When Atara tried to follow Gandalf and Elrond to the meeting of the White Council, promising to tell Rayvyn the details of how she saved Middle Earth by revealing information that she would realistically have no way of knowing, she was intercepted and sent to the kitchens, with a scolding for shirking her duties to gawk at the dwarves.  
  
How was she to know that her dress, which she had switched to linen after trying to travel in velvet became too hot, was a copy of the uniform worn by the Domestics of the Last Homely House?  
  
She barely escaped in time to join Rayvyn in following the other dwarves as they left Rivendell. Both of the 'Company Unwanted Additions' tried not to notice the muffled hysterical laughter that seemed to be coming from thin air.  
  


* * *

The eyes see what the mind expects to see.  
  
In the middle of a pitched battle, the only person that the Dwarves expected to see in a robe, over five feet tall, with long hair and a sword, was Gandalf. As the Wizard could take care of himself, and the mind could play tricks in a fight like this - explaining why there seemed to be two tall, long-haired, robed, sword-wielding people at the same time – they paid the second no heed.  
  
If they paid little attention to the tall figure who was surviving through sheer luck and the fact that most orcs were concentrating on the more immediate threat of Gandalf, Thorin and Company, they noticed the dwarf that was mostly hidden behind her even less, and the intangible spirits floating nearby not at all.  
  
Suzi took on a look of intense concentration before they all suddenly vanished.  
  


* * *

They reappeared in the sunlight on the side of a mountain, looking around to take their bearings… just in time to be bowled over by a pack of Wargs. The last, noticing that Rayvyn was a dwarf, even if she wasn't the thirteen dwarves that the pack had been sent to find, turned back, and Suzi barely managed to whisk them all away again only seconds before the sharp teeth closed around her body.


	2. Desolation of Smaug

**The Desolation of Smaug**

Ravyn and Atara were peeking over some rocks, watching the progress of Bilbo, who was peeking over some rocks, watching the progress of the Orcs. Mairi and Suzi stood nearby, looking intangible and bored.  
  
Mairi's voice held the calmly disinterested tone that always drove her sister mad. "I hope you've improved at running in a dress. Otherwise, we're about to lose the Company and you two are going to get eaten."  
  
Rayvyn shot her a nasty glare, but Mairi had become immune to those a long time ago. "Unless you feel like taking a shortcut?"  
  
Annoyance with her smug sibling took a second seat to the desire not to get killed, and they arrived at Beorn's hut just in time to be flattened by a charging bear.  
  
By some miracle, the only injuries were some serious bruising, and Mairi didn't even make a snide remark about their skill at teleportation landings. They climbed through a window in the hut about the same time as Thorin's company managed to lock Beorn out of his own house, just in time to hear Gandalf sounding annoyed. "That was our host. Nod he is not overly fond of dwarves."  
  
Atara lifted Rayvyn into the loft and scrambled up behind her. Now was not a good time for Thorin's distrust to rear its head and kick them out to face the orcs. For once, Suzi was the one to make a sassy remark, which made all of those who could see her stop and stare in shock at the concept that she _could_. It was as unthinkable as Mairi telling a dirty joke! "I don't imagine that he's any fonder of them now."  
  


* * *

Too busy focusing on Mairi's store of useful and/or vital facts, they had all forgotten one vital fact about Mairi herself: she was terrified of spiders. Even a plastic one in her sleeping bag one Festival had resulted in a scream that woke half the campsite. Spiders that were the size of a draught horse and talking about killing people had her frozen and clinging to Suzi in terror. In shock at the role-reversal, Suzi wasn't much help, either, and Bilbo wasn't looking for any silk-wrapped bundles bigger than three-feet tall.  
  
To her credit, Atara stuck around to get her friend out. To all of their disadvantage, the spiders got back around the same time Rayvyn got free, and they only just managed to teleport away...  
  
...Only to stumble straight into a circle of elves with drawn bows and business-like expressions.  
  
Drat.  
  


* * *

Kneeling before Elvenking Thranduil, the elf and the dwarf sent beseeching looks in each other's direction, actually aimed at Rayvyn's sister, who stood invisible between them, looking far more amused than they thought the situation called for.

Mairi sighed. "Repeat after me: We apologise most sincerely for any disturbance we may have caused, your Majesty. We fell into company by unhappy chance, and chose to tolerate each other in the interest of there being safety in numbers."  
  
As long as Thorin didn't let his own hostilities get in the way, allowing the presence of an elf might even gain the Company some small good-will.  
  
Having learned by now to listen when those more knowledgable started talking, Atara obeyed. It worked in a fashion, as they were not instantly sent to the worse part of the dungeon, but being escorted under guard to a guest room and being informed that they would be given new supplies, but sent on their way come morning was not the ideal.  
  
For one thing, it ruined any chance for staying near the company, especially if their stay in the dungeons was to be measured in weeks as Mairi informed them it was in the book.  
  
The only way they even got to see where the Dwarves were was by a polite, Mairi-worded request to the guard, inquiring as to the well-being of their travelling companions.  
  
They were escorted down to where the Dwarves were being hosted just in time to witness Kili offer the Captain a flirtatious smile. "Aren't you going to search me? I could have _anything_ down my trousers."  
  
It was a good thing that only Rayvyn and Atara could see the two spirits, because it would have been impossible to miss Mairi doubled over laughing, or Suzi's scandalized shade of red.  
  


* * *

Rayvyn and Atara had considered doing something to get themselves sent to the dungeons, in order for Bilbo to rescue them, but that had been vetoed by the two ghostly visitors.  
  
Mairi asked what guarantee they had that Bilbo would bother to rescue them, especially if there turned out to be a limited number of barrels.  
  
Suzi added the point that they might not even be put in the same part of the dungeons, and if Bilbo or any other potential rescuer would even know their location.  
  
Mairi wanted to know what they planned to do, and how did they know that it wouldn't just get them thrown out of the Elvenking's halls.  
  
Suzi demanded the details of whatever kept the two spirits close, because she wasn't about to spend weeks in a dungeon with nothing to do just because Rayvyn and Atara wanted the authentic experience.  
  
Atara and Rayvyn agreed not to do anything, just to shut them up. Why had they wanted to bring those two along, again?  
  


* * *

Mairi's plan, which was the default after Atara's "Get-Thrown-In-The-Dungeon-And-Rescued-With-The-Company" plan was rejected, was annoyingly straightforward and even more annoyingly simple.  
  
When the guards escorted them out, they asked for directions to the nearest settlement outside of Mirkwood', which Mairi insisted they refer to as 'Greenwood' under pain of her contributing nothing more than pointing and laughter until they returned to their own world. Rayvyn barely resisted the urge to ask how that was far different to what she had been doing so far, but she had the feeling that her sister might be serious.  
  
The nearest settlement was Laketown, as was known to anyone who had read the books or glanced at a Map of the area (which automatically excluded most fans who were only in the fandom for the Dwarven, Elven and Manish eye-candy). Unfortunately, the Master of Laketown and his assorted Lackeys were unwelcoming at best, and it was ultimately less trouble to camp near the shore of the lake and have Mairi or Suzi sneak back every few days to see if the Dwarves had shown up yet.  
  


* * *

It was a good plan, it just didn't work.  
  
Time constraints and changes to the story meant that The Company stayed in the Elvenking's dungeons only days, and in Laketown little more than a night. Worse, they arrived in Laketown only hours after Suzi returned from checking on the settlement.  
  
This meant that the next thing they knew of Thorin and Company's progress was Mairi's loud and colourful swearing as the Lonely Mountain was lit up with an ominous red-golden glow.

 

 

 


	3. Battle of Five Armies

Something barging through a summoned spirit resulted in them either exploding for a few seconds, or becoming more substantial for a similar amount of time. It was also a truly horrible experience, as Rayven and Atara discovered, and one that Mairi and Suzi exploited to the fullest when the more substantial two wanted to rush to the aid of the currently-burning Laketown.

"For once in your life, be sensible!" Erin charged through Suzi, shuddering long enough for Mairi to reform in front of her, as Suzi did before Rayven. "You can't do anything now, and I'm not letting you near that village until the dragon is dead and not flaming everything in sight!"

The debate (and attempts to get to Laketown, dragon or no dragon) went on for a while, at least until a deafening roar and a splash visible from miles away drew everyone's attention. Suzi stepped aside to let them pass. "Now you can go. We might as well see what help we can offer to the survivors."

Mairi nodded, also moving out of the way, and looking a little dazed. "If you can still flash us places, then wait until you see which direction the boats are headed and aim that way."

* * *

Lacking either clear knowledge or panic-induced adrenaline, it took several short trips, and much cursing of why they hadn't remembered the ability while trying to get past their ghostly companions. They arrived as Bard was breaking up the second or third attempt at lynching Alfred, and the four dwarves were half-way across the lake.

Atara looked at the lake as though she were contemplating swimming after them. Elves weren't really affected by cold, after all. Mairi shook her head. "Don't. We will reach Dale soon enough, but trying to enter the mountain now would mean nothing but your death."

Atara looked up at her, shocked. "My DEATH? Why? How? Do you just want Rayven to have a better chance?""

Mairi pinched the bridge of her nose, muttering something inaudible and probably far from polite. Suzi placed a hand on her arm, murmuring something about patience with the oblivious. "Look, if Thorin isn't already suffering from gold-sickness, which I doubt, he will be by the time we get to the Mountain, and none of the company were particularly trusting individuals in the first place."

Mairi took up the explanation, slightly calmer than she had been. "You are an elf. Rayven is a dwarve that Thorin does not know and did not summon. In the unlikely event that you even made it into Erebor, there is a very high chance that his gold-obsessed paranoia would lead to your death."

* * *

Bard's attempt to negotiate with Thorin ended badly,

as most of them had known it would. Now, the villagers of Laketown were training to fight, many for the first time in their lives.

Mairi, insubstantial and angry, gazed at the mountain in the distance. "If you have any control over my state of matter, then turn me solid."

Rayven gave her a confused look. "What?"

Mairi turned and glared. "If you're so obsessed with changing things, turn me solid, or at least visible, and we can try to stop some of the Lakepeople being slaughtered."

* * *

As it turned out, Suzi and Mairi could be made solid, though the effort knocked the other two out for an hour or so.

When they woke up, Rayven found a group of women drilling in a formation that she vaguely remembered from High School history class, as men and youths practiced one-on-one combat. She also found her sister, crying quietly as Suzi rubbed her back. For once, Rayven did her best to not be noticed, hoping to find out what was wrong as Suzi handed Mairi a piece of (relatively) clean fabric. "Did that help?"

Mairi shook her head, so slightly as to be barely noticeable. "Not really." A slight pause, "I swore I'd never do this again, not even with instructing newbie archers."

Again? What did that mean? There was a longer pause as Suzi considered her words, then plunged ahead. "When this is over, if we aren't thrown back immediately, perhaps you would like to travel to-"

The rest of her sentence was cut off as Mairi shook her head far more vigorously, giving Suzi a fondly exasperated look. "He is more than 20 years from being born, and even if he was, he wouldn't be mine. Besides, how much of a paedophile would that make me?"

The last part was obviously meant as a joke, since Mairi smiled wryly and Suzi laughed in response.

It was like the two women were speaking in riddles, the answers to which Rayven would probably never find out, as someone called Mairi's name, and she watched her sister wipe her eyes, take a deep breath and square her shoulders. It was an action Rayven was familiar with, when something drove her sister to tears but someone else needed her to be strong.

They walked away, and Rayven was left to find Atara and wonder. She hadn't known that her silly wish would have cast them all into such circumstances, and the fact that it wasn't the glamorous fun and games she expected had hit about five minutes into the adventure, but the amount of danger it put all four of them in was finally starting to properly sink in.

And yet Mairi had tried to help when innocent people were in danger, as soon as she was in a position to do so. For all the times she had called her sister a weak, stupid or useless nerd, Rayven wished that she could find courage to match her sister's.

* * *

In the perfectly co-ordinated movement of the entire Mirkwood army drawing their bows, no-one noticed the soft sigh and dreamy look from where the fighters of Laketown were grouped.

Almost no-one. Suzi elbowed her friend softly. Honestly, this was worse than the reaction to the polearm displays at Hampton Court! "Stop swooning over the pretty armour and sharp weapons!"

Mairi smiled. "Mum always complains that it's because she never let me play with pretend guns as a child, so I became fascinated with other weapons."

Suzi rolled her eyes. Seriously, the sheer amount of male eye-candy available, and Mairi got starry-eyed over the armour. Then again, this was the girl that most people hung around because she could be counted on to admire the detail on their armour or clothing, not the muscles or ample cleavage on display beneath it.

That, and the tasty baked things she usually had on offer. Suzi had seen fighters moving slower in an open charge than they did when someone announced the last nutella peanut butter cookie was up for grabs.

* * *

Thranduil left to find his son, and Tauriel stroked Kili's face, determined not to relinquish him until the dwarves came. She and Kili's had never consummated their love, knowing each other for less than a month, so it was likely that she would not fade, and Kili's had died to save her.

Tauriel would not squander that gift.

A hand rested on her shoulder, too slender, the fingers too long to be those of a dwarve. Tauriel tore her eyes away from her all-too-brief love to glance up. It was a woman, most likely of Esgaroth, a few more standing behind her. The one touching her had brown hair and a face stained with too much blood and smoke to be distinguishable, though sympathy shone in the green eyes.

The banished elf looked back down. "Why does love hurt so much? Why do we strive so hard for it, only to be hurt when we are thwarted."

The woman sat down. "Because if love were easy, we would value it less. Tell me, even though it hurts, do you wish you had never met him? Never fallen in love, despite the trials it brought? Would you trade the time you had, for your heart to be easy?"

That was a far easier question to answer. "No."

The heavy sound of dwarven boots came nearer, and the woman stood up. "I know what it is, to lose a love. The hurt doesn't fade, but you find ways to bear it. The gift of Men, I suppose."

Far too many of the people of Laketown had been lost, so many that Tauriel would have been surprised if there were any survivors who had not lost someone. Tauriel had mourned her parents, her fellow guards, her friends, but she had survived the loss.

She would survive Kili's loss, and when they met in the Halls of Mandos, she would be able to face him with the pride that he had so admired in her.

Besides, someone was going to have to play emissary between Erebor and Eryn Lasgalan, if they didn't want a new war breaking out less than a week after this one ended.

* * *

Standing on a hill, looking over the blood soaked plain before the lonely mountain, Atara sighed. "I wonder if The Lord of the Rings trilogy would be so bad?"

Mairi said nothing, but her expression reminded Atara and Rayven that she was still heavily armed, and the black bloodstains covering her hadn't come from hiding in a corner. "Not a chance. We're going home, and you are never making such comments while either of us are in hearing range. Ever. Again."

Both of them nodded meekly, as a slight tugging sensation dragged them back to their own world.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I went there. No, I'm not ashamed.
> 
> The Extra Characters and their backstory make a lot more sense if you have read "A SCA Girl In Middle-Earth", but it isn't totally necessary.
> 
> More ridiculous cliches coming soon.


End file.
